Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else. The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other is insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other is universally condemned.
If there is any one secret of success,’ said Henry Ford, ‘it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind: Become genuinely interested in other people.
The Value of a Smile at Christmas
It costs nothing but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.
For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!
If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader in the field of employee communications, has always followed this principle. When asked what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig responded that he not only received a different reward from each person but that in general, the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone.
“I’m sorry to trouble you,’ ‘Would you be so kind as to – ?’ ‘Won’t you please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thank you’ – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – and incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.
6 Ways to Make people like you
PRINCIPLE 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
PRINCIPLE 2: Smile.
PRINCIPLE 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
PRINCIPLE 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
PRINCIPLE 5:Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
PRINCIPLE 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
You cant win an Argument: Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle.’ The man who said that taught me a lesson I’ll never forget.
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s goodwill.
Tips on how to avoid disagreement from becoming an argument !!
Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, ‘When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.’ If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.’
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:
“Could my opponents be right?
Partly right?
Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
Will I win or lose?
What price will I have to pay if I win?
If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
Really cool phrase I want to use: “I may be wrong, I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
Lincoln said this: “It is an old and true maxim that ‘a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.’ So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.”
It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying “yes, yes.
Chinese Proverb: He who treads softly goes far.
MOST PEOPLE TRYING to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things. If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: ‘If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you. Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they – or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious.
Chinese sage : Lao-tse said this :The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign “over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person – from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives – was likely to answer. If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing – an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle, as well as your own – if you get only one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of your career.
Experience has taught me,’ says Mr. Thomas, ‘That when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favourably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races, and hog-calling, and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
PRINCIPLE 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’
PRINCIPLE 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
PRINCIPLE 4: Begin in a friendly way.
PRINCIPLE 5: Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
PRINCIPLE 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
PRINCIPLE 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
PRINCIPLE 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
PRINCIPLE 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
PRINCIPLE 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
PRINCIPLE 11: Dramatise your ideas.
PRINCIPLE 12: Throw down a challenge.
Beginning with praise and honest appreciation is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when no one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behaviour.
Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticising a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!
Legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: ‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.
Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.’
He specifically pointed out how his work was superior. Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviour:
Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could give a curt order like this: ‘John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.’ Or we could express the same idea by showing John the benefits he will get from doing the task: ‘John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stock-room but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.
BE A LEADER: A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behaviour. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
PRINCIPLE 1:Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
PRINCIPLE 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
PRINCIPLE 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.
PRINCIPLE 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
PRINCIPLE 5: Let the other person save face.
PRINCIPLE 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’
PRINCIPLE 7:Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
PRINCIPLE 8:Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
PRINCIPLE 9:Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
