Anger is part of human experience and it should not be an obstacle in creating a good life, good relationships, or advancing in careers. Everyone has anger, the only difference is that some people admit to their anger issues, and some don’t. Simple ways to keep your mood and temperament in check is by making sure to get good food (decent carbs, proteins, ), Good exercise (~35 mins), Good Rest (~7 hours ), this by itself should avoid most of the unwarranted behavior. I am grateful to Marlene Chism for her great course on Anger Management which not only taught me the below concepts but also helped me realize things that I could improve when it comes to handling my temper.
Help , I have an Anger Problem !
Three Myths:
- Anger is Bad
- Anger by itself is not bad, What we are judging is behavior that could be unprofessional, unproductive, or unacceptable.
- Anger is an emotion that is trying to get your attention.
- You need more self-control:
- Self-control in general important not only in situations of Anger but also for eating healthy, exercising regularly, reading books, and so on..
- Self-control is limited and can be only used to a certain extent to understand what are the things that are causing you to lose this self control. (Ex: you are working for 12 hours straight, and you did not get enough sleep this week and you have been missing lunch regularly. In this situation, self-control is really tough as these reasons are already pushing you to your boundaries !!)
- Anger must be avoided:
- People pretend to not be angry or act polished.
- Anger cant be avoided and if you suppress it too much then it leaks out in the form of Sarcasm, undermining, irritation and passive-aggressive behaviours.
- Ignoring your anger will eventually get in the way of productivity, effectiveness and personal happiness.
The good , the bad and the ugly:
- Anger can be good :
- Channel the energy for something good – Like Personal transformation – I was angry on myself for not staying fit and healhty and used that anger to loose 15+ Kilos.
- You should be incharge of your Anger. How do you want to use it ? and the best way is to use it in your favour instead of against you.
- Anger can be bad:
- If Anger catches you off gaurd then it can quickly go bad.
- This is when you do something as a result of anger and that turns into embarassement.
- Anger can get ugly:
- If you are not in control of this emotion it can get ugly and a “scene” gets created. This is a danger zone where you have lost awareness .
- This is where things escalate from getting irritated at traffic to a full blown road rage. From having disgreement to shouting and yelling.
You must remember, Anger is an “emotional energy” that wants to go somewhere and you should decide where you would like to channel that.
When Anger Works Against You:
Stop losing control:
- S – Stress – physical , mental and emotional levels. – waking up late, no time for breakfast, car issues etc… Stress is built with an explosion waiting to happen.
- E – Escalation : Sometimes the escalation can happen over gradual time and other time it could be instant due to a trigger points.
- A – Awareness : If you are losing control over anger often then you have lost awareness .
Increasing awareness Steps:
- Notice the first signs of frustration or disappointment.
- Scan your body for physical and emotional sensations (ears turing red, heart beat rising, thoughts turning negative etc )
- Describe your feelings (are you disappointed, frustrated, raged ?? )
- Notice how you act out (see how you act when you are angry and the next time try to resist the urge. )
Suppression Vs Calming:
- Suppressing anger leaves anger unprocessed and this will leak in one way or the other.
- Suppressing anger can lead to Cynicism, Passive aggressiveness, Negativity, Sabotage and Undermining relationship.
- Calming helps you in
- Distinguishing between what is controllable Vs uncontrollable.
- Redistributing energy
- Expressing anger efficiently
- Calming Techniques
- Using physical exertion – When you feel angry head to the gym and have a great workout. (redistrtubte energy). For me going for a run is extremely calming and helps me focus better.
- Breathing – anytime you are angry take a deep breath. count between 3 to 10. Deep breath builds space between stimulus and response.
- Changing the narrative – Notice your thought patterns when you get triggered by anger. Change the narrative in your head that you always have choices and you take that mental shift.
Avoid Taking on other people’s issues:
Often I have realized when I am in a good mood and at my workplace, I have people passing by my desk and talking about their problems. After some time I felt my mood gets angry and I am tired. This meant that I have taken their issues to my head!
- Taking others issues means
- Enablement – My intervention relieves them of their responsibility of fixing their own problems, and they come back for more and more and you loose your time , energy and also feel like you have been used in the end. Especially as a project manager you will have issues going on and people will reach out to you for everything. You need to take a conscious decision while taking on these problems.
- Realize you cannot fix others’ problems and Stop taking the bait.
- Visualize the conversations with them as if you are standing on the bridge and not in the boat with them.
- Ask yourself in your mind – Does this problem belong to them , or me ?
- Listen without giving advice.
- Acknowledge the other person’s experience : Ex: Wow, Kim that sounds frustrating !!
- Set a boundary –
- Check if they are just venting or need advice. if Venting then give sometime for them to vent and feel relieved and you move on.
- If they need advice, First, think if you are in that position to give advice.. If not, you can always say, ” Kim – I don’t have the advice on this issue, but I trust you’ll make the best decision for yourself.”
Expanding Awareness
Your Triggers:
- Most of us have something that will trigger our emotional behaviors. When you get triggered, the emotional brain hijacks your thinking brain. The amygdala in your brain stimulates a fight or flight response in your body and you lose your rational mind.
- Trigger Pattern:
- Event
- Reaction
- Blame
- Justification
- Calmness/ Regrets
Triggers : Thought + Emotion = Unwanted experience.
- Understanding trigger:
- Who is the person?
- What is the situation?
- What are your thoughts?
- What emotions come up?
- What is the experience?
- What is the trigger reaction?
- If you had to do it over again, what would you do?
Your State:
- Understanding your emotional state helps you master your anger.
- A – Attention – Ask , what am I paying attention to ? The problem or the Solution ?
- B – Body – next time when you are getting irritated, notice what you are doing with your body , your facial expressions, notice if you are tighting any muscle. In my case when I am extremely angry and triggered , my ears turn red 🙂
- C – Communication.
- Notice your inner dialogue . Then Create a counter with a positive phrase that you can say to yourself.
- Outer Communication – Notice how you communicate with others. Acknowledge if its a bad way of communicating ? then stop it and apologies for the bad behavior right away.
Replace old behaviors
- Change behavior Model:
- Identify the trigger : My Trigger is __________
- Pinpoint the unwanted behavior. : When I am triggered I do _____________
- Practice the new behavior: Instead of doing __________ I want to do __________________
As always, it gets better with practice.
Taking Control
Label Emotions :
- Venting causes more drama: Venting is good in the moment , but often leads to anger. Instead of venting , label the emotion – “I’m frustrated” , “I’m angry”, “I’m upset”.
- Labeling can reduce drama:
- Affective Labeling process:
- Understand the feeling –> label the emotion –> Let the logical brain take over –> This is when you are less likely to be affected by emotion.
- Affective Labeling process:
- Blame gets in the way: There is no point in blaming your emotions, or others for the emotions that you are feeling. Name it and let the logical brain decide what to do with it.
Master your narrative:
- Our brain seeks closure of the unknown . (May be because of office politics , I didn’t get promotion, Or I don’t deserve to get a hike because XXX didn’t happen and so on).
- How your narrative influences your mood.
- Facts —- > Thoughts —-> Emotions. (Thoughts + Emotions – make the story and leads to a narrative.)
Below is an example of a hypothetical situation of me attending a job interview and you can see how our thoughts and emotions influence my mood. In our mind, the situation is changing from Good to Bad.
- Facts
- Take part in a scheduled interview
- Complete the interview process
- You follow up for a response.
- Did not get a return call from the recruiter.
- Thoughts
- There is a career opportunity
- Did I do something wrong ?
- Maybe they changed their mind !
- Emotions
- Excited
- Confused
- Disappointed
- Frustrated
How to manage anger
- Next time when you are angry ask yourself below:
- What story am I telling myself about this person or situation?
- What are some other possibilities?
- What are the facts?
Use responsible language:
- Your language is either a bridge (responsible language ) or a barrier (Irresponsible language) to your success.
- Components of Responsible Language:
- Forward moving – Its about the future and possibilities. Backward moving language is about the past and what should not be happening.
- Respectful:
- Disrespectful Language:
- Name calling
- Eye rolling
- Interrupting
- Sarcasm
- Respectful Language:
- Seeing others as equals
- Curiosity
- Patience
- Speaking the truth kindly
- Disrespectful Language:
- Ask yourself does your language builds barriers or bridges. ?
- Empowered :
- Complaining is a sign of disempowerment.
- People complain for 2 reasons:
- They don’t know what they want.
- They know what they want, but don’t know how to get what they want !!
| Disempowered Language: | Empowered Language: |
| I had no other choices. | There are always choices. |
| I’m late because of traffic. | I need to leave earlier next time. |
| I was rude because she was rude to me first. | I make choices based on my own values, not on how other people behave. |
| My boss doesn’t give me opportunities. | My boss is not responsible for the opportunities. I can find and design my own. |
Skills to Make Anger Work for you
- Ask for what you want instead of complaining:
- Complaining magnifies the issue.
- Complaining is also contagious and you can frustrate others with your constant state of negativity (nagging 🙂 ).
- Constant complaining shows you as negative and other people may isolate you.
- Negative to positive:
- You never help me around the house –> Would you be willing to help me around the house?
- I don’t want to keep arguing –> I want us to come to an agreement.
- It must be NICE to have so much free time (sarcasm!)–> I would love to have some more free time.
Set appropriate boundaries:
- Anger is also caused when someone or something crosses a boundary.
- What is a boundary?
- It is a line in the sand where you control the consequences.
- Why are your boundaries not working?
- Lack of enforcement. – Times when you say NO and cave in !!
- Need to please – Someone is going to be Upset — you don’t have to please everyone all the time.
- Steps to make your boundaries stick –
- Be angry first
- Let the anger settle
- Get clear about the boundary
- Identify the consequence
- Enforce the consequence
- Create space
- Three steps to create space
- Breathe – Take a deep breathe and count to five.
- Acknowledge – Acknowledge the information.
- Time – Buy time to process the information. “I would like to think about it and get back to you by ____”
- Three steps to create space
- Speak your truth
- Reasons for Not speaking the truth –
- Fear of emotions – self or others. – Fear of people may get angry , sad or hurt..
- Lack of awareness – Not being aware of the ongoing situation
- Reasons for Not speaking the truth –
” Don’t use honesty as an excuse to express your anger — Instead, process your anger and then speak your truth.
- The formula for truth-telling :
- Set your intention – Give a context on why are you giving them this information and your intention behind the conversation.
- Own the part you played. – Explain your role in the situation.
- Reaffirm the relationship.
- Ask for what you need. – Be clear , concise and ask for any help.
In conclusion: Anger is part of the human experience and you will always feel some situations are unfair. People will cross-boundary and will irritate you. It’s easy to blame someone, but looking into the mirror and using anger as a catalyst for personal growth takes courage.
I hope you enjoyed reading this, you can check out my other posts from below or from this site.
